8974 —החלטות שידוך, הידור מצוה, וענין נגיעה בזקן

B"H, 5 Iyar 5725.

Brooklyn.

Shalom u'Vrachah!

In response to your letters in which you ask about the matter of the shidduch where there was an opinion regarding touching a beard, etc.

It is understood and obvious that a shidduch must be based on good will and a firm decision to help each other in all matters, and all the more so in matters of Judaism, Torah and its mitzvos, which are the foundation for the happiness of a Jewish man and woman in this world and the next.

It is also clear that in matters of goodness and holiness there are levels one above another, as our Sages say: mitzvah, hiddur mitzvah (beautifying the mitzvah), and mehadrin min hamehadrin (the most beautiful fulfillment). Even those whose level for whatever reason is only at the level of mitzvah know that hiddur mitzvah means literally adding beauty and enhancement to it, even if for some reason they do not fulfill this enhancement.

It is obvious that the channel and vessel for receiving Hashem's blessing for what is needed by Bnei Yisrael is conduct in daily life according to Torah and its matters. From this it is understood that when one needs or seeks a special blessing, there must be strengthening and enhancement in this conduct.

From all the above it is clear that even according to those who hold that not touching a beard is only a hiddur mitzvah, G‑d forbid to act otherwise when one needs a special blessing from the Giver of Torah and Commander of mitzvos—especially when laying the foundation for an everlasting building: marriage. It is absolutely clear that according to those poskim who hold that not touching a beard is an explicit commandment of our Torah—and people have conducted themselves according to these poskim for many years—then G‑d forbid to change this conduct even at ordinary times, all the more so at such an important time as mentioned above.

As stated above—even if one side was raised following those who say it is only hiddur mitzvah—it is their primary obligation to strengthen the other side in their good conduct regarding Judaism even in enhancements; all the more so if the other side has practiced this for years; all the more so if according to their view it is an explicit commandment and not just an enhancement.

It is understood that everything said here regarding touching a beard has parallels in many other mitzvos of Torah—even daily conduct. Therefore before finalizing a shidduch one must clarify with absolute certainty their position on this point: whether they can forego their own opinion if for the other side it involves hiddur mitzvah. Especially since such concessions should not come from feeling forced or out of bitterness or opposition but rather from willingness, good desire, joy, and gladness of heart specifically.

As mentioned above this applies not only to touching a beard but also to other mitzvos of Torah and their enhancements—since issues like these may arise often. The solution must always be through closeness of mind with joy and gladness of heart—which is essential in all these matters.

From everything written my opinion regarding your question should be clear: you must carefully evaluate whether you are prepared for such concessions as described—which usually means one side needs more attention to precise observance and greater enhancement—and based on this evaluation you should decide how to proceed.

I would also point out—though it too is self-evident—that although what was written above comes in connection with your question about shidduchim, in truth it applies at all times and everywhere with full force since Torah is eternal and its mitzvos are eternal; every Jew has been commanded to ascend in holiness but never descend—as our Sages phrase it "to ascend in holiness."

May it be His will—He Who watches over each individual with Divine Providence—that He guide you in all these matters for your true good.

Blessings for good news in all these matters.

Summary

The Rebbe teaches that mutual respect, joyful willingness to compromise on religious enhancements (hiddurim), and strengthening Torah observance are crucial foundations for marriage decisions. These principles apply broadly beyond any single issue or time.