The Prohibition of a Kohen Marrying a Divorced Woman
Today we began learning Parshas Emor, which contains special laws for a kohen—a member of the priestly family. The Torah discusses how a kohen is not allowed to become defiled by coming into contact with a dead body, and it also teaches that a kohen is prohibited from marrying a divorced woman. Parshas Emor further mentions the prohibition of marrying an isha zonah v’chalalah—a woman with certain disqualifications, which can include a convert and other women whom a kohen is not permitted to marry.
I want to share a story, which some of you may have heard before, but it’s worth repeating because I know the people involved personally. There was a kohen who, although he was born into a kohen family, was not religious at all. He didn’t care about religious observance, and it didn’t matter to him whether he married someone Jewish or not. He grew up completely without any connection to Judaism. One day, he came home and announced that he was going to marry a non-Jewish woman. His parents, even though they weren’t religious themselves, were very upset by this and did not want him to marry someone who wasn’t Jewish.
His fiancée noticed that his parents were unhappy and asked him what was wrong. He explained that his parents didn’t approve of him marrying a non-Jewish woman, but he told her that he personally didn’t care and that he loved her regardless of what his parents thought. Still, she felt uncomfortable starting a marriage under such circumstances and asked if there was anything she could do to make his parents happy. He told her, “If you were to convert and become Jewish, that would make them happy, but you don’t have to do it for me. I love you as you are.” She responded, “Let’s make them happy. What’s involved in converting?” He said, “That’s it, just convert and they’ll be happy.”
She began the process by enrolling in a Reform conversion class. She was a serious student and asked many questions. Eventually, the Reform rabbi told her that she was too much for him and suggested she go to a Conservative rabbi. The same thing happened there—she was referred to an Orthodox rabbi. She studied with the Orthodox rabbi, did well, and was preparing for an Orthodox conversion. When it came time for her to go to the mikveh—the ritual immersion to complete her conversion—she was told, “Now that you are Jewish, you can marry any Jewish man you choose. The only restriction is that you cannot marry a kohen.” She replied, “That’s fine.”
Later, when she met her boyfriend, she asked, “By any chance, are you a kohen?” He answered yes. She said, “Then I can’t marry you.” She broke off the relationship, moved to Israel, married another fine man, and built a large family. The kohen later told me, “I didn’t care about my religion and was ready to marry anyone, but now that she became Jewish, she left me. Next time, I’m marrying someone Jewish.” He did, in fact, marry a Jewish woman, and they now live in Sharon. I know who they are.
The Rebbe points out that we must recognize that Hashem, the Creator, knows everything and knows what is best for each person. When someone gets married, they hope for a good life together, healthy children, and a successful future, but the path ahead is unknown. The Torah’s restrictions, including those about whom a kohen may marry, are for our benefit. The Torah is not being harsh or denying us the person we love; rather, as the Rebbe explains, if you truly care about someone, you wouldn’t want to do something that the Torah forbids, because it won’t be good for them or for you.
Many people ask why we must marry Jewish, or why we must follow the Torah’s guidelines. They say, “I love this person, and everything will work out.” But the Torah knows better what is truly in our best interest. If you believe in the Torah, then you trust that Hashem wants what is best for you. Hashem says that if you want a successful marriage and a good life, you must follow the Torah’s instructions. Marrying someone whom the Torah forbids is not going to bring blessing or success. The Torah is kind and gives us a heads-up, warning us not to do what is not good for us.
This principle applies to all areas of Torah and mitzvos—commandments. Sometimes the Torah’s rules feel restrictive, but in truth, Hashem cares about us and wants what is best for us. Not everything we desire is actually good for us, just as children sometimes want to play with dangerous things. The Torah is a Torah of chesed—kindness. Its instructions are for our benefit, to ensure that our lives are good, productive, and filled with blessing and success in everything we do.