Gentle Guidance and Positive Influence

Holy letters of the Rebbe, Volume 17, letter number 6,195. Baruch Hashem, the 26th of Nisan, 5718, Brooklyn. Shalom u’vracha.

The Rebbe writes that he is responding to the recipient’s letter dated the 23rd of Nisan. The Rebbe says that he will mention both the recipient and the young woman about whom he wrote at an auspicious time at the holy tziyon of his father-in-law, the Rebbe. In other words, the Rebbe would pray on their behalf at the Ohel, asking for the fulfillment of their needs in accordance with what had been written in the letter.

Apparently, this girl was no longer following the traditions of her family. She had broken away, so to speak, and they were looking for ways to influence her and have a positive effect on her so that she would return and reconnect with her community. But the Rebbe, in the usual Chabad Chassidic style, explains that the best way to influence someone is through positive reinforcement and by creating positive opportunities, even indirectly, that allow the person to embrace her heritage and grow in the right direction.

The Rebbe says that, in connection with the question being asked, experience has shown over time that, generally speaking, when one uses ways of pleasantness, one is more successful, and successful more quickly as well. In other words, not only does this approach bring greater success, but it also brings results sooner.

The Rebbe adds another important point. It is not enough merely to rebuke a person and point out how wrong her path has been. Rather, one should work in practical ways by providing her with opportunities to become involved in positive and wholesome things. This should be done almost incidentally, without making it obvious, by presenting activities or interests that naturally draw her in and engage her without requiring pressure. In that way, these good influences may gradually detach her from matters that are not desirable.

For example, if she is occupied with reading material that is not conducive to following the proper path, then by providing more wholesome and interesting material, she may be drawn to that instead and enjoy it. The idea is not merely to tell her, “No, no, no, what you are doing is wrong,” but rather to place before her positive alternatives. The Rebbe is suggesting that instead of relying primarily on criticism and rebuke, one should create an environment in which the person is naturally drawn toward better things.

At the same time, the Rebbe says that there is still a place for protest. It is important that someone make it known that her conduct is not proper. One cannot simply ignore the problem altogether. There must be some element of clear disapproval. In today’s language, one might say that there must be both firmness and encouragement. The Rebbe emphasizes, however, that the greater emphasis should be on the positive side, on the “carrot” rather than the “stick.”

But in this case, the Rebbe notes that from the letters it is evident that her father is already protesting very strongly. Therefore, there is no need for others to focus on that aspect, since that is already being done. The role of the others should therefore be to provide the warmth, the encouragement, and the positive opportunities that may succeed where forceful protest alone may not.

The Rebbe adds that even according to his suggestion to deal with her pleasantly, this does not mean that one must avoid expressing disapproval altogether. One can still say clearly, in a calm and respectful way, that what she is doing is not appropriate. Being pleasant does not mean remaining silent; it means expressing one’s protest without anger, screaming, or harshness. Even protest itself can be conveyed בדרך נועם, in a gentle and dignified manner.

The Rebbe concludes with a blessing for good news in all the above. So the Rebbe is strongly advocating here that although he will pray for them at the holy tziyon, the practical path they should follow is one of pleasantness, encouragement, and constructive alternatives. Experience shows that this is both more effective and more quickly effective. At the same time, the Rebbe makes clear that improper behavior should not be ignored. It should be addressed, but in a measured, respectful, and pleasant way. That is the Rebbe’s counsel, and he concludes with a blessing for good news.