6104 - Resolving Identical Names in Shidduchim

Rooted Like a Tree: Navigating Shidduchim and Names (Igros Kodesh, Vol. 16, Letter 6,104)

Introduction

Written on Yud Adar, 5718, the Rebbe responds to a student from the Sephardic Yeshiva Porat Yosef in Jerusalem. The letter begins with a beautiful connection to Tu B'Shevat (Rosh Hashanah for Trees), setting a tone of growth and vitality for a young man inquiring about a potential marriage match.

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Man is a Tree of the Field

The Rebbe opens by referencing the recipient's previous letter sent on the 15th of Shevat. He explains that the "New Year for Trees" is deeply relevant to human beings because the Torah compares man to a tree of the field. Just as a tree requires deep roots and careful tending to produce good fruit, a person’s life—and especially a marriage—must be planted in the right environment to flourish.

Defining "Favor" in a Match

The young man had written that a particular girl "finds favor" in his eyes. The Rebbe gently pivots this common expression to a higher spiritual plane. He clarifies that for a student of a holy Yeshiva, "finding favor" must mean that she is a Yiras Shamayim (God-fearing) and a "kosher Jewish daughter." The attraction should be rooted in her character and commitment to building a home founded on Torah and Mitzvos, rather than just superficial qualities.

Resolving the "Mother's Name" Conflict

A significant concern was raised: the young woman shared the same name as the writer's mother. In some Jewish traditions (based on the Will of Rabbi Yehuda HaChasid), this is avoided. However, the Rebbe provides a clear, practical solution:

• Add a Name: An additional name should be given to the girl.

• The Procedure: This is done publicly via a MiSheberach during an Aliyah to the Torah for a family member.

• The Waiting Period: The Rebbe advises waiting 30 days after the name change to allow it to take hold before finalizing the Shidduch (engagement).

Halachic Basis and Sephardic Custom

The Rebbe reinforces this advice by citing the Tzemach Tzedek, who based his rulings on the Alter Rebbe. They established that once names are no longer identical, any halachic or mystical concerns are entirely removed—there is "nothing to worry about at all."

Furthermore, the Rebbe notes that while this change is helpful even for Ashkenazim, many Sephardic communities (like the one the writer belongs to) traditionally do not have this stringency regarding a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law sharing a name. Therefore, he should proceed with a full heart.

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Summary of Key Lessons

• Human Vitality: Remember that you are like a tree; your "Rosh Hashanah" is a time to ensure your spiritual roots are healthy and growing.

• Prioritize Character: When looking for a spouse, ensure that "finding favor" refers primarily to their Yiras Shamayim and shared values in building a Jewish home.

• Practical Solutions: Spiritual or traditional obstacles (like identical names) often have simple, halachic solutions like adding a name.

• The Power of Change: Adding a name creates a new reality. Once the name is changed and "settles" for 30 days, the previous concerns cease to exist.

• Daily Spiritual Diet: The Rebbe concludes by emphasizing the importance of the daily study of Chitas (Chumash, Tehillim, and Tanya) as a foundation for success in all areas of life.