6095 - Clarifying Feelings Before Decisions

Clarity Through Connection: The Rebbe’s Advice on Shidduch Decisions

Insights from Igros Kodesh, Vol. 16, Letter 6095

In this letter, dated 6 Adar, 5718, the Rebbe addresses a common and deeply personal challenge: the inability to make a definitive decision regarding a potential marriage match (shidduch). The recipient had written to the Rebbe on the 4th of Adar, expressing that despite having met several times, they still felt unable to decide.

The Value of One More Meeting

The Rebbe’s response is both practical and sensitive. Rather than pressuring the individual for an immediate answer or suggesting they move on, the Rebbe suggests utilizing any remaining opportunity to meet again.

The Rebbe explains that the purpose of this additional meeting is to observe the impression and impact the encounter has on the individual. Sometimes, clarity doesn't come through intellectual analysis alone, but through the feeling and "impact" that remains after the meeting. By paying close attention to these feelings, the person would be able to clarify their heart’s position and finally reach a decision.

Focusing on What Matters

Context from the Rebbe's previous correspondence suggests a vital rule for these meetings: focus on the essential qualities of the person. It is easy to get distracted by secondary or unimportant details, but a decision should be based on the "main aspects"—the character, values, and soul of the potential partner.

The Role of Emotion vs. Intellect

The Rebbe emphasizes that a shidduch is not merely an intellectual transaction. While logic is important, feelings play a crucial role. If there is no feeling of connection—or at least the potential for such a feeling to grow—the Rebbe often cautioned against proceeding simply because "nothing better might come along." A marriage requires a foundation of genuine affinity.

The Rebbe concludes with a warm blessing: "May the Blessed Hashem lead you in the way that is good for you, both physically and spiritually, in a good that is apparent and revealed."

Summary of Key Lessons

• Don't Rush the Decision: If clarity hasn't arrived, but the door is still open, meet again to see what "impression" is left on your heart.

• Clarify Your Feelings: Use the impact of the encounter to distinguish between a "maybe" and a "yes." Intellectual compatibility is the start, but emotional resonance is the fuel.

• Prioritize the Essentials: Look past secondary, trivial details and focus on the core of the person you are meeting.

• Divine Guidance: Trust that Hashem will lead you toward the path that is truly good for you—both in the spiritual sense and in a way that feels tangibly "good" in your physical life.