264 —נישואין, בחירה חפשית, וגזירה אלוקית בחסידות

B"H, Thursday, 23rd of Shevat, 5707.

Kevod haVavac"h iy"a nu"m etc. haTamim... sheyichyeh

Shalom u'Vrachah!

In response to your question, which is as follows: a) I found a dispute regarding matches (zivugim), where according to the scholars there is free choice in this matter, while according to the kabbalists it is decreed from Above. My question is: what is the view of Chassidus on this? b) It appears in many places in Chassidus that this matter is decreed. If so, what is the role of personal effort—is it merely making a vessel and clothing it in nature? You did not cite the sources where you found these points nor mention the distinctions within each of these two approaches. Your first question also touches on practical halacha, which has already been decided by the poskim. I will present the various opinions on this topic so that the above will be clarified.

Regarding matches—whether free choice applies fully, partially, or not at all—there are several distinctions and approaches. In general, they depend on how our Sages' statements are interpreted in Moed Katan (18b), Sotah (2a), Sanhedrin (22a), Bava Basra (12b), Bereishis Rabbah (beginning of ch. 68), Zohar I (91b; 47b; 229a), Zohar II (170b), Zohar III (283b), and others (some reference Midrash Tehillim but I do not have it at hand).

The approaches are: a) A Heavenly Voice decrees "the daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so," and no prayers can help except that another may marry her for a time but not consummate the marriage; afterward he divorces her or dies and she marries her destined mate (Sefer Chassidim sec. 1383). Although Sefer Chassidim does not specify which marriage this refers to, to avoid conflict between Moed Katan and Sotah we can say it refers only to the first marriage. b) Another's prayer can help him marry her and consummate the marriage but eventually she will divorce or lose her husband and marry her destined mate (according to the first explanation of Azulai*, Ran in Moed Katan). c) A Heavenly Voice decrees but prayer can completely annul the decree (Rashi on Rif in Moed Katan; Tosafos Sanhedrin 22a compares it to changing a fetus from male to female—which is total change; see also tzt"z's commentary on Moed Katan). d) There is free choice whether or not to marry; but if one chooses to marry, Heaven decrees who his mate will be. Another may precede him through prayer but their union will not last as per approach b above (Tashbetz II sec. 1). e) The Heavenly Voice is not an actual decree but rather a natural inclination—one's nature makes him likely to choose a certain woman due to compatibility; however, free choice remains (this seems to be Rambam's view in ch. 8 of Shemonah Perakim; see also his responsum sec. 159). According to this explanation—that "the daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so" refers to natural compatibility—this would apply both for first and second marriages. Why then did our Sages say that second marriages depend on one's deeds? We can say that by nature there should be a Heavenly Voice even for second marriages, but because reward and punishment override nature, only one's deeds determine second marriages (this can be inferred from Rambam's responsum as cited by Tashbetz). However, initially even for second marriages one must decide by choice whether he wishes to marry at all—since there cannot be compulsion from Above as it involves a mitzvah even if one already fulfilled "be fruitful and multiply," since "it is not good for man to be alone" (Yevamos 61b). f) All matches depend on one's deeds; when our Sages said that a Heavenly Voice decrees first marriages they referred only to uniting body and soul (Akeidas Yitzchak Sha'ar 8 & Sha'ar 22). g) According to Arizal's teachings (partially cited by Yaavetz on Sotah 2a): When a soul comes into this world for the first time a Heavenly Voice declares his destined match; when his time comes [until then she may be another man's wife—as with Uriah and Batsheva (Zohar I 73b)], at that moment she comes effortlessly without toil. But sometimes he does not merit this and does not take his destined mate [another without a soulmate may precede him through prayer—Zohar I 91b & 229a as cited in Midrash Talpiot]. In such cases he receives a wife according to his deeds; sometimes his soul changes for better or worse and he loses his destined mate and marries another since he is no longer the same person. Sometimes he reincarnates in order to marry his destined mate or for other reasons—and if he has many merits his soulmate reincarnates with him; but since he sinned and needed reincarnation there are accusers who prevent their union making it as difficult as splitting the sea (Sha'ar HaGilgulim intro. 8 & 20; Sefer HaGilgulim ch.13 & Sefer HaLikutim Tehillim ch.48). If his soulmate did not reincarnate with him he marries another reincarnated soul who also lacks her soulmate—hence their union is difficult due to differences in nature (Sefer HaLikutim Parshas Vayeitzei); yet she must still be close to him spiritually (Sefer HaGilgulim ibid.). Some say if neither reincarnates he marries according to his own efforts as hinted by "and you shall seize wives from the vineyards" (Bnei Aharon on Sha'ar HaGilgulim intro.8 citing Rabbanan Kashisha'i quoting Arizal).

The conclusion from all these approaches: In every match another may precede one's destined mate through effort or prayer. Practically speaking halacha rules that women should be betrothed during Chol HaMoed because of this reason—so there is room for personal effort.

At the end of Orah Torah tzt"z explains our Sages' statement in Bereishis Rabbah ch.68—that one's match comes from Heaven—in two ways: The first way suggests there is free choice whether or not to marry but Heaven determines who will be one's spouse—as explained above from Tashbetz; the second way interprets it like non-Jews whose fate depends on mazal rather than merit—and even then personal effort matters just like with children, life span, and sustenance: If one's mazal is lacking G-d forbid great merit can change fate (Tosafos Shabbos 156a); even with good mazal action is required too (see Responsa Chasam Sofer Yoreh Deah sec.252); see also Be'er Heitev end of Parshas Vayeira—and note further explanations in Chassidus: Derech Mitzvosecha Mitzvas Taglachas Metzora; Mayim Rabim p.184ff.; end of Chanokh L'Na'ar [where text reads "and so too" but should read "Mayim Rabim"] etc.

In terms of spiritual service: The distinction between first and second matches—their difference—is explained in Maamar Anochi from Pesach Sheini year Taf-Reish-Ayin-Dalet: First matches come from Above—an awakening from Above before an awakening from below—like the first redemption; second matches depend on one's deeds—an awakening from Above after an awakening from below—like the final redemption.

With blessings for immediate teshuvah and immediate redemption.

Summary

The Rebbe reviews many Torah sources about marriage matches being decreed versus chosen freely, concluding that while Divine providence plays a role, human effort—including prayer—is always significant both practically and spiritually.