Responding Wisely to a Troubling Situation

In the holy letters of the Rebbe, Volume 17, letter number 6,197. Baruch Hashem, the 28th of Nissan, 5718, Brooklyn. To a woman. Brachah v’shalom.

The Rebbe writes in response to her letter dated April 15, in which she describes her distress over her son. He had become involved with a non-Jewish girl, and as she explains, the girl was going to a rabbi, “becoming Jewish,” and keeping kosher. Her son, meanwhile, was investing great effort into the relationship and into helping matters progress. The mother asks the Rebbe what she should do in such a case.

The Rebbe answers that before deciding how to relate to the matter, two steps must be taken.

First, the Rebbe says, she should find a way for her son to meet Jewish girls. It is possible that one of them may interest him, and this itself could resolve the entire issue. If he forms a proper connection with a Jewish girl, the present relationship may naturally fall away.

The Rebbe notes that in America it is not generally accepted for parents to openly arrange matches for their children. Parents often do not formally involve themselves in such matters. Nevertheless, in thousands of cases, parents quietly create opportunities without making it obvious that they are behind the arrangement. They can invite people, create settings, or arrange circumstances in which suitable introductions happen naturally, without the child feeling manipulated.

The Rebbe adds that since her son is in California, where there is a large Jewish population and many opportunities, such arrangements should certainly be possible. Depending on his occupation and social circles, there are many ways for him to meet Jewish families and Jewish young women, all without making it apparent that the parents arranged it. This, the Rebbe says, would be the best first path to pursue.

Second, the Rebbe says, she must find out which rabbi the girl is going to and what exactly is meant by her “becoming Jewish.” This information should be gathered discreetly, perhaps through the son, but in a way that does not suggest parental approval. It is important not to lose the first opportunity of steering him toward meeting Jewish girls by giving the impression that the parents have accepted the current situation.

The Rebbe’s concern is clear: Who is this rabbi? Is he an authentic Orthodox rabbi acting according to halachah? What is the seriousness and sincerity of the process taking place? Conversion is not merely a technical step in order to marry. True conversion must come from conviction, from accepting Hashem and a life of Torah and mitzvos, not merely as a convenience for marriage.

At the same time, the Rebbe acknowledges that in some cases a person may begin for one reason and later genuinely embrace a Jewish life. Therefore, the matter must be understood clearly before conclusions are drawn.

The mother had also written in anguish, asking why she deserved to go through such pain. In response, the Rebbe writes that in many such cases these difficulties can be connected to a lack of proper care in observing the laws of family purity at the time of conception, including the laws of hefsek taharah and related halachos.

The Rebbe then gives a path of rectification and hope. If this had indeed been lacking, then to correct matters in some measure she should influence other Jewish women to observe Taharas HaMishpachah. If she helps two or three women strengthen their observance in this area, it would serve as a measure of repair and merit.

The Rebbe further advises that the mezuzos in the home should be checked to ensure they are fully kosher according to halachah. He also encourages her to uphold the beautiful custom of Jewish women to give tzedakah before lighting Shabbos candles and Yom Tov candles.

The Rebbe concludes with blessings for good news, in the name of the Rebbe, through the Rebbe’s secretary.

The guidance of this letter is both practical and spiritual: act wisely, preserve clarity, seek constructive solutions, strengthen the home through mitzvos, and transform personal pain into a source of merit and blessing for others.