Assisting in a Shidduch and Spreading the Light

 Igros Kodesh, letters of the Rebbe, Volume 17, letter number 6170. Boruch Hashem, the 9th of Nissan, 5718, Brooklyn. Shalom u’vracha.

The Rebbe says, “I am responding to your letter of your honor, which took a long time—indeed, a very long time—until it reached me.” The Rebbe is explaining that he did not receive it right away. In that letter, you write about your second daughter who is in the United States and has still not found her shidduch.

So the Rebbe says it is understood, and especially according to the custom and the way things are conducted in the United States, that it is very difficult to do something in this matter before the one who is concerned approaches on her own. The Rebbe indicates that the proper approach would be for the girl herself to write, to ask what to do, or at least to present her situation so that the Rebbe can advise her. It is not the accepted way here for the Rebbe to initiate contact, to seek her out, or to begin asking her about her situation. Especially regarding young people, even those who come from elsewhere but have been here long enough to understand how things are conducted.

Therefore, the Rebbe explains that it is not his position to begin such correspondence; it must come from her. However, the Rebbe adds that everything is by Divine Providence. Since he did receive your letter about this matter, he will look for ways—perhaps through acquaintances or those who know her—to have someone speak with her and clarify her situation. He will try to explore what can be done and see whether a path forward can be found in this matter.

The Rebbe says that the proper and fitting way would still be for her to contact him directly, so he can better understand the situation and offer guidance. Yet, since you have written, the Rebbe will attempt to involve someone who knows her to help assess the situation and possibly assist.

The Rebbe adds that for someone like you, there is no need to ask forgiveness for writing to him about this matter. Apparently, you apologized for troubling the Rebbe regarding your daughter’s shidduch. The Rebbe responds that no apology is necessary. On the contrary, helping arrange a shidduch for a Jewish person—especially for a Bas Yisrael—is a matter that our Sages spoke about with great diligence and importance. This is rooted in the fundamental principle of the Torah: “V’ahavta l’reiacha kamocha”—to love your fellow as yourself.

Therefore, there is no need for apology; rather, this is a significant and meaningful matter. The Rebbe affirms that he will do what he can to help.

The Rebbe continues with a blessing: “May it be the will that your honor should see fulfilled the promise of our Torah, which is a Torah of life—that one who honors the sages will merit to have sons-in-law who are scholars (ha-mokir rabbanan havei lei chasnei rabbanan).” The Rebbe blesses him to merit sons-in-law who are Talmidei Chachamim.

The Rebbe further blesses him that he should be accustomed with “good light.” Referencing the teaching in the Gemara, that being careful with the candles—particularly the Shabbos candles—brings merit for worthy descendants and sons-in-law, the Rebbe alludes to the concept of “shraga tava.” The Rebbe explains this also in its inner meaning, as discussed in the holy Zohar: the lamp represents Torah, and the oil represents the inner dimension—the secrets of Torah, the deepest levels within it.

Both the light of Shabbos candles and the light of Chanukah candles serve to illuminate darkness—Shabbos candles bring light into the home, and Chanukah candles illuminate outward, into the public domain. This reflects the idea of spreading the inner light of Torah outward, revealing and disseminating its deeper teachings. Through this “good light,” one merits children and sons-in-law who are Torah scholars.

Thus, the Rebbe emphasizes the importance of spreading the light—especially the inner dimension of Torah—and connects this with the blessing for proper shidduchim and righteous descendants. The Rebbe concludes with blessings and reiterates that he will try to find a way to assist in this matter, noting again that the delay in response was due only to the late arrival of the letter.

Summary – The Rebbe teaches that while proper process in personal matters must be respected, helping another find a shidduch is a great mitzvah rooted in Ahavas Yisrael, and that spreading the inner light of Torah brings blessings for righteous families and future generations.

אגרות קודש, כרך י״ז, אגרת מספר 6170. ברוך השם, ט׳ ניסן תשי״ח, ברוקלין. שלום וברכה.

הרבי כותב שהוא משיב על מכתבך, אשר התעכב זמן רב עד שהגיע אליו. במכתבך אתה כותב על בתך השנייה הנמצאת בארצות הברית ועדיין לא מצאה את זיווגה.

הרבי מסביר שלפי הנהוג בארצות הברית, קשה לפעול בעניין כזה לפני שהנוגעת בדבר פונה בעצמה. הדרך הראויה היא שהיא תכתוב, תפרט את מצבה, ותבקש עצה, ואז ניתן יהיה לסייע לה. אין זה מקובל שהרבי יוזם פנייה אליה או מתחיל לברר מצבה, במיוחד כשמדובר בצעירים.

עם זאת, הרבי מוסיף שהכול בהשגחה פרטית. מאחר שקיבל את מכתבך, ינסה לברר דרך מכרים או אנשים שמכירים אותה, שידברו עמה וינסו להבין את מצבה, ואולי יימצא דרך לסייע.

הרבי מדגיש שהדרך הנכונה היא שהיא עצמה תפנה, אך כיוון שכתבת, הוא ישתדל לבדוק ולסייע ככל האפשר.

הרבי מוסיף שאין צורך לבקש סליחה על שפנית אליו בעניין זה. להפך, סיוע בשידוך הוא דבר חשוב מאוד, במיוחד לבת ישראל, והחכמים הפליגו במעלתו. הדבר מבוסס על הציווי “ואהבת לרעך כמוך”.

הרבי מברך שיתקיים בך מאמר חז״ל שמי שמכבד תלמידי חכמים זוכה לחתנים תלמידי חכמים. עוד מברך אותך שתהיה רגיל ב״אור טוב״, על פי דברי הגמרא שמי שמקפיד על הנרות זוכה לבנים ולחתנים תלמידי חכמים.

הרבי מבאר גם את המשמעות הפנימית על פי הזוהר: הנר הוא התורה, והשמן הוא פנימיות התורה, סודות התורה. נרות שבת ונרות חנוכה מאירים את החושך—בבית ובחוץ—וכך גם יש להפיץ את אור התורה, ובמיוחד את פנימיותה.

על ידי הפצת אור זה זוכים לבנים ולחתנים תלמידי חכמים. הרבי מסיים בברכה ומדגיש שיעשה השתדלות לסייע, וכן שהעיכוב בתשובה היה רק מפני שהמכתב הגיע באיחור.