6061 - Influencing with Pleasantness and Patience

This transcript features a reading and commentary on a letter from the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, taken from the 16th volume of his collected letters (Igros Kodesh). Dated the 19th of Shevat, 5718 (1958), the letter provides timeless advice on the delicate art of influencing family members toward a more observant Jewish lifestyle.

The Rebbe emphasizes that while there is no room for compromise in the laws of Judaism itself, the method of outreach must be rooted in "pleasantness and peace." This approach is presented not only as the most ethical but also as the most effective and efficient way to inspire change in others.

 

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Transcript: The Path of Pleasantness

From the Letters of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Volume 16, Letter #6,061

Introduction
In the holy letters of the Rebbe, Volume 16, letter number 6,061—Baruch Hashem—dated the 19th of Shevat, 5718, in Brooklyn. The Rebbe is addressing this letter to a woman who had written to him with a heartfelt concern.

The Inquiry
The Rebbe writes that after a long interruption, he received her letter dated the 8th of Shevat. In that letter, she asks: "How can I influence him"—the Rebbe notes it says "him," likely referring to her husband—"and also other family members in general, to bring them closer to Torah and Mitzvos?"

The Rebbe’s Guidance
The Rebbe responds by pointing to a well-known directive of our Torah, the Toras Chaim (Torah of Life). The path to take is as the verse states: “D'racheha darchai noam v’chol nesivoseha shalom”—“Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.”

Basically, the Torah is meant to be given over in pleasant and peaceful ways. You cannot shove it down people’s throats. You cannot push people. Instead, you must do it with pleasantness.

The Rebbe clarifies that regarding the actual matters of Judaism, there can be no compromise. We are not talking about compromising on the standards of Yiddishkeit (Jewish life). We are talking about how to get others to "buy into it." To impact someone else, to attract them, and to bring them closer to Yiddishkeit, you will be successful in a greater measure—and more quickly—through those aforementioned pathways: through ways of pleasantness and passages of peace. That is the way. Both outcomes are achieved: you’ll be more successful and you’ll see results faster if you approach it on these roads.

The Importance of Patience
The Rebbe adds that this approach can be seen vividly in practice. It requires having enough patience to speak once, and then again, and not to get angry—God forbid—if you are not successful in your urging or your talk during the first few days. Don’t lose your patience. You must remain patient, pleasant, and peaceful, and keep on saying it again and again, but only in a pleasant way.

That is the Rebbe’s instruction: the way to reach out and bring people closer is only through the ways of the Torah, which are pleasant and peaceful.

Communal Involvement
The Rebbe further notes that he is surprised she did not mention anything about her communal matters in which she used to be occupied. He asks: "What is their condition now, and what are you doing to expand them?"

The Rebbe concludes by blessing her with good news in all the above matters. This letter was signed in the name of the Rebbe by his secretary.

Summary
To be impactful on your family members and to bring them closer, use the ways of pleasantness and peace. God forbid, never get angry. Say it again and again. While we don't make compromises on the Torah itself, the way to reach people more successfully and quickly is through a pleasant approach. The Rebbe also reminds her not to neglect her communal activities and wishes her good news.