Shidduchim – The parents' role

שידוכים – תפקיד ההורים

The Rebbe's guidance on the role of parents in shidduchim, both for parents seeking a match for a child and for young people navigating their parents' views:

Parents should be actively involved. Finding a match for one's child depends on Divine providence, but it also requires practical effort through natural means: consulting a shadchan discreetly, making use of family connections, and acting promptly when opportunities come up. Prayer must be accompanied by action, together with tzedakah and added Torah study (IK 1881, 1905, 4206, 9546, 10509, 10577, 10958). Helping one's child in this is a Torah value that brings blessing to parents and children alike (IK 10235).

Parents' input matters and should not be overlooked (IK 10306). Harmony with parents is important; building a new home should not come at the cost of family unity, especially for an eldest child, and parents' concern comes from love (IK 10185). Where the parents themselves disagree, they should try to reach agreement; if they cannot, the mother's view takes precedence (IK 9117).

At the same time, parents should guide rather than force. Halachah does not obligate a child to obey parental wishes about a shidduch when there is no real concern involved, and parents should not place unnecessary obstacles before their children (IK 2725). Forceful opposition to a child's choice should be avoided in favor of respectful guidance; sensitive family matters are best addressed through gentle influence rather than pressure (IK 2828, 9101).

Shiurim in this topic

1881. Consulting a Shadchan Discreetly Regarding One's Daughters להתייעץ עם שדכן בדיסקרטיות בנוגע לבנותיו

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1905. Guidance for a Suitable Match for a Son and Spiritual Preparation הדרכה לזיווג מתאים לבן והכנה רוחנית

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2725. Parental Wishes, Shidduch Decisions, and the Law of Honoring Parents רצון ההורים, החלטות שידוך, וחוק כיבוד הורים

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2828. Guidance for a Mother on Her Daughter's Engagement Doubts הדרכה לאם על ספקות בתה בענין האירוסין

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3014. Internalizing Resolutions, Gentle Guidance in Shidduchim, and Halachic Travel Concerns הפנמת החלטות, הדרכה עדינה בעניני שידוכים, ודאגות הלכתיות בנסיעות

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4206. Praying for Your Son's Match and the Importance of Practical Effort מתפלל עבור זיווג בנך וחשיבות המאמץ המעשי