Parenting – Discipline, warmth and setting an example

גידול ילדים – משמעת, חום ודוגמה אישית

The Rebbe's guidance to parents on how to guide, correct and inspire their children day to day:

Your example teaches more than your words. The most effective way to influence another is by personal example: to move someone a handbreadth, go two handbreadths further yourself (IK 1345). If you want your sons to learn Chassidus, they need to see you keep a fixed time to study it yourself — real study, not occasional reading (IK 2763). Set aside time for your wife and children as regularly as putting on tefillin, and draw them close gently rather than lecturing (IK 3912).

Pleasantness and closeness. The Torah's ways are ways of pleasantness; "the right hand should always draw close." Even when you must show a child that something was wrong, there are many gentle ways to do it (IK 6150). Don't follow children at every step telling them how to behave in each detail, even when you are sure you are right — this applies to anyone who wants to influence others (IK 10641). A child's difficult behavior is not solved by pushing him away; sending him out of the home would likely make things worse, and professional advice may help, since such behavior often comes from nervous tension (IK 5542).

Order and structure are good for a child. A child who struggles with a schedule may simply not have had one at home. Insist pleasantly but firmly: once he knows the decision is final he will settle into it, and learning to accept order is among the most important things for a child (IK 6435).

Every child has his own nature. The four sons of the Haggadah teach that each child must be answered according to his nature (IK 2578). Some children excel in learning, others in other ways; before concluding a child "has no will to learn," give a good environment time to show what it can do (IK 6119). Preferring play to study is normal; encourage gently, and let friends his own age set the pace (IK 3252). A child who has become too independent — common with an only child who gets special attention — is often best guided by friends' example (IK 6781). Some tension between parent and child comes from differences in temperament; understanding them helps the relationship improve (IK 5462).

Handle young people with care. Especially in times of upheaval, be careful not to shake a young person's peace of mind, and allow time to adjust to a new setting (IK 5729). When a child takes on extra stringencies, be very cautious before opposing them: moving one brick can shake a young person's whole outlook, and rebuke is meant for leniencies, not for added piety (IK 10700).

See also: Parenting – When a child drifts from Judaism and observance.

Shiurim in this topic

1063. Encouraging Parental Influence in Torah and Mitzvos עידוד השפעת הורים בתורה ובמצוות

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1345. Blessings for Daughter's Wedding and Guidance on Influencing Others ברכות לחתונת הבת והדרכה בהשפעה על אחרים

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1674. Emphasizing Practical Mitzvos in Daily Life and Influencing Children הדגשת מצוות מעשיות בחיי היום יום והשפעה על ילדים

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2578. Guidance on Raising an Only Son to Serve Hashem הדרכה בגידול בן יחיד לעבוד את השם

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2763. Chasidus Study Is Essential for Your Sons' Torah, and They Must See You Learn לימוד חסידות חיוני לתורת בניך, והם צריכים לראות אותך לומד

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