Guiding Children with Pleasantness and Peace

Holy letters of the Rebbe in volume 16, letter number 6,150. Baruch Hashem, the second of Nissan, 5718, Brooklyn. Shalom u’Vracha.

So, this person had some personal interpersonal relationship with his daughters that was not good. His daughter did not seem to be following the rules or the guidelines of the parents the way he wanted, and there was friction there.

And the Rebbe is responding. There is dot dot dot there, so I do not know exactly, but he says, “You write about your relationship to your daughter... may she live for long good life.”

The Rebbe says it is known the ruling of our holy Torah, which is a Toras Chayim, a Torah of life. It teaches us how to live life as it pertains to yourself and how it pertains to other Jews, that all the roads need to be Darchei Noam. The roads need to be ways of pleasantness. Now a road represents a big road, so the big roads need to be pleasantness, but it is added, Deracheha darchei noam vechol nesivoteha shalom. A nesiv is a pathway. Even the pathway has to be peaceful. So the roads need to be pleasant, the pathways need to be with peace.

So we also know the ruling of our Torah, the ruling that a person should always reach out with the right hand, to bring them close. The left hand, you know, you can rebuke a little bit, push away, but you have to always attract, be nice, and bring them close.

And the Rebbe says if for some reason you need to show that this conduct is not proper at all and you need to make sure that they realize it, so there are various different ways to do that. It is easy to understand. You do not take on such an attitude.

The Rebbe says Yehi ratzon—he prays—that very soon you will enjoy also from her a lot of true nachas, which is Yiddishe Chassidishe nachas. So apparently this person had a daughter who did not quite follow in the footsteps of her father or his directions, and he therefore had a negative attitude toward her and they did not get along. And the Rebbe says that is not the way of Torah. Torah ways are ways of pleasantness and Torah ways are ways of peace. Even the small pathways must always be peaceful ways.

If you have to show them that what they are doing is no good, there are other ways of doing it rather than rejecting them or showing them a negative attitude. There are other ways of doing that. Yes, you should tell them what they are doing is no good, but not to change that attitude. And the Rebbe says he prays for him that very soon he should have a lot of true Yiddishe Chassidishe nachas from her as well. Apparently some of the other children were okay, because the Rebbe says “also from her,” meaning that the others were okay.

Summary
The Rebbe teaches that even when correcting a child, the approach must be with warmth, closeness, and peace. True chinuch follows Darchei Noam, ensuring that guidance strengthens relationships and ultimately brings genuine Yiddishe Chassidishe nachas.

אגרות קודש של הרבי, כרך ט״ז, מכתב מספר 6,150. ברוך השם, ב׳ ניסן תשי״ח, ברוקלין. שלום וברכה.

לאדם זה הייתה מערכת יחסים אישית לא טובה עם בתו. נראה שהיא לא הלכה בדרכי ההורים כפי שרצה, והדבר גרם לחיכוך ביניהם.

הרבי משיב, ויש כאן קטעים חסרים, אך הוא כותב: “אתה כותב על יחסך לבתך... תחיה לאורך ימים טובים.”

הרבי מבאר כי ידוע פסק תורתנו הקדושה, שהיא תורת חיים, המלמדת כיצד לחיות הן ביחס לעצמך והן ביחס לזולת, שכל הדרכים צריכות להיות דרכי נועם. הדרכים הגדולות צריכות להיות בנעימות, ואף יותר מכך—וכל נתיבותיה שלום. גם השבילים הקטנים צריכים להיות בדרכי שלום.

וכן ידוע פסק התורה שאדם צריך תמיד לקרב ביד ימין. אפשר להוכיח במידה מסוימת ביד שמאל, אך עיקר הגישה צריכה להיות קירוב, נעימות ומשיכה.

ואם יש צורך להבהיר שהתנהגות מסוימת אינה ראויה כלל, יש דרכים שונות לעשות זאת, ואין לנקוט בגישה שלילית או דוחה.

הרבי מוסיף תפילה: יהי רצון שבקרוב תזכה ליהנות גם ממנה לנחת אמיתית, נחת יהודי חסידי.

כלומר, אף אם הבת אינה הולכת בדרך הרצויה, אין זו סיבה ליחס שלילי או לריחוק. דרכה של תורה היא דרכי נועם ושלום, גם בפרטים הקטנים ביותר.

יש להוכיח ולהדריך, אך באופן שמקרב ולא מרחיק. והרבי מברך שיזכה בקרוב לנחת אמיתית ממנה, כפי שיש לו כבר משאר ילדיו.