Marriage – Preparing for marriage (for chosson and kallah)

נישואין – הכנה לנישואין

The Rebbe's guidance to a chosson and kallah preparing for marriage:

In brief — what to do to prepare for marriage, from the Rebbe's letters and Shulchan Menachem:

Spiritual preparation comes first — put your main effort into spiritual preparation rather than the one-day material arrangements, and direct any extra spending to Torah and mitzvos for the couple's merit (IK 2171, 6519).
Agree on the foundations — before the wedding, agree to keep all the mitzvos, including that the kallah will cover her hair (Shulchan Menachem EH 28).
Learn the halachos in good time — several weeks before the wedding, learn the laws of family purity, preferably with married avreichim of Anash; put taharas hamishpacha first, then kashrus (including the wedding meals), then Shabbos (IK 1339, 10972).
Reishis Chochmah — in the days just before the chuppah, the chosson learns and completes Shaar HaKedushah chapters 16–17 in Reishis Chochmah (IK 2222, 6884, 1339).
The maamar Lecha Dodi — before the wedding, the chosson learns the maamar Lecha Dodi in Kuntres Drushei Chasunah (IK 6884).
Keep learning, and add — don't put off study until after the wedding; add in Nigleh and Chassidus as preparation for building the home, with a fixed daily time for Chassidus (IK 7205, 6246, 7410).
Marrying a bas Kohen — add to your Torah study: aim to finish all of Mishnayos (or at least one or two sedarim) and learn Maseches Kallah (IK 1601).
Rabbeinu Tam tefillin — once you've decided to put on Rabbeinu Tam tefillin, there is no reason to wait until after the wedding (IK 632).
A modest wedding — hold the wedding without excessive publicity (IK 1627).

The spiritual preparation matters most. The material wedding preparations pass; the spiritual foundations last a lifetime, so prepare with modesty and spiritual intent (IK 1627, 2171, 4462). Build the home on Torah and mitzvos, illuminated by Chassidus (IK 6884).

Learn the halachos. Study the relevant halachos with an experienced person before the wedding, together with the chapters of Reishis Chochmah the Rebbe recommended for this time (IK 1339, 2222). Where not everything can be done at once, give priority to the core mitzvos of the home, first of all taharas hamishpacha (IK 10972). See also: Marriage – Family purity (taharas hamishpacha) and the mikveh.

For the chosson: keep learning right up to the wedding without letting up (IK 7205); on beginning to wear Rabbeinu Tam tefillin at the engagement, see IK 632. Marrying a bas Kohen calls for extra diligence in Torah study (IK 1601).

Decisions together: wedding decisions should be made together with both families (IK 7205).

See also: שידוכים – זמן בין אירוסין לחתונה; Marriage – The wedding.

Shiurim in this topic

1300. Blessing and Guidance for a Wedding Day ברכה והדרכה ליום החתונה

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1339. Guidance for Torah Study and Preparation Before Marriage הדרכה ללימוד תורה והכנה לפני הנישואין

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1601. Learning Torah Before Marriage to a Bat Kohen לימוד תורה לפני נישואין לבת כהן

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1627. Wedding Preparations, Modesty, and Blessings for a Lasting Home הכנות לחתונה, צניעות, וברכות לבית עדי עד

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2171. Wedding Preparations, Material Concerns, and Spiritual Foundations הכנות לחתונה, דאגות גשמיות ויסודות רוחניים