4203 —זמן בין השמשות, חיוב עונה, ומנהגי אשה תמוהים

B"H, 6th of Nissan, 5716.

Brooklyn.

Shalom u'Vrachah!

In response to your letter regarding: (a) The well-known dispute about Bein Hashmashot—how women should conduct themselves regarding bedikah. Although recently there has been renewed debate about sunset and Bein Hashmashot, with new books and articles published on the topic, it is understood that for Anash we only follow the ruling of Rabbeinu HaZaken in his Siddur (which is a later edition compared to his Shulchan Aruch), and it is known that this is also the opinion of the Gra (see Orach Chaim 261, Yoreh Deah 262, Shnot Eliyahu at the beginning of Berachot; also see Gur Aryeh on Shabbat 35a).

(b) Regarding what you wrote about the Onah obligation for Torah scholars being from Friday night to Friday night (as Rachamim Chaim writes in Shaar HaKedushah—apparently referring to chapter 16), and whether there is room to distinguish between the first year of marriage and after. I have not found such a distinction anywhere; although absence of evidence is not always evidence of absence, in this case since none of the books discussing this mention such a distinction, it is indeed a strong proof. This matter is explained in Nigleh in the commentaries on Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 240 and Even HaEzer 76; see also Pitchei Teshuvah there quoting Kerem Shlomo. What Rachamim Chaim writes is based on Zohar in several places; see Volume I, Yud Daled end of page Aleph there Nun Aleph etc., referenced in Nitzotzei Zohar on Zohar III 49b. In practice we only follow what is explained in the writings of the Arizal. Although there are differences in wording between Pri Etz Chaim, Mishnat Chassidim, and Taamei HaMitzvot, one should rule like Taamei HaMitzvot and Mishnat Chassidim against Pri Etz Chaim because "Mishnat Chassidim only copied from Arizal's writings; therefore he must have seen it there" (see Piskei Dinim by tzt"z Yoreh Deah 116). Similarly for Taamei HaMitzvot by Rav Chaim Vital over Pri Etz Chaim since Pri Etz Chaim includes words from other colleagues as well; see Mishnat Chassidim tractate Shechiva chapter 11 and Taamei HaMitzvot Parshat Bereishit (regarding zivug Vilna print p.16a). Even though there are questions raised on this in Hagaot v'Chidushim to Shaar HaMitzvot at the beginning of Bereishit from our Sages' statement that Onat Talmidei Chachamim is from Friday night to Friday night without distinction etc., it is known that an explicit ruling cannot be overturned due to a question.

It should be known that all the above—both according to Nigleh and according to Arizal's writings—applies only when abstention will not lead to more serious issues than those mentioned. But if there is reason for concern about this, then clearly one should abandon abstention; all the more so as brought from Sefer Chassidim quoted by Beit Shmuel at the beginning of Even HaEzer 23. I have also found similar guidance in Biur Halacha on Mishnah Berurah Orach Chaim there.

(c) Regarding your wife being particular about certain family customs that seem strange to you and were not practiced in your family: It is obvious that generally one should act only with pleasantness—and even more so as our Sages said: "Let your right hand draw close..." since it is clear your question concerns customs without prohibition. Even with such customs it is questionable whether it’s worthwhile to change her practice because most likely by yielding on these matters you will be able to influence her more easily regarding customs involving even a slight prohibition or even just extra stringency in mitzvah observance. If some of her customs are truly odd within your community, surely over time she herself will abandon them due to social pressure.

Blessings for a kosher and joyous Pesach holiday.

Summary

The Rebbe teaches that we must follow established halachic rulings regarding Bein Hashmashot timing and Onah obligations while approaching unusual family customs with sensitivity and kindness—yielding where possible fosters harmony and positive influence within marriage.