6750 —שידוך עם בחור שאינו דתי המבטיח להיות דתי רק אחרי החתונה

B"H, 5 Adar II, 5719
Brooklyn.

Brachah v'Shalom!

In reply to your letter of 3/12, in which you write that for some time you have known a young man^[1], and there was a period when you grew close to each other^[2]; but what prevents growing closer is that the young man is not religious, and this also brought about a break in the meetings between you; but at the end of the summer he wrote to you, etc.^[3]:

In general, a match and a marriage are not a matter whose aim is education. Although it is obvious that when two people grow close and marry, it is impossible that the one should not influence the other, and impossible that one should not want the other to suit his outlook, that concerns details and adjustment – not a change from one extreme to the other in the outlook on life, the conduct of daily life and the like.

What adds further in your case is that he says explicitly that only after he marries you will he learn about religion and become religious; in other words, from the outset he declares that he is doing this only for your sake (from which one can understand how stable and firm his religion would be, when only this brings him to be religious)^[4]. Furthermore, since the Jewish religion demands a number of actions and restrictions^[5] every day, it is impossible that at times, perhaps for whole periods, the thought will not occur to him that he is making a sacrifice for your sake and doing things he is not comfortable with, or that disturb him; and such a thought opens the way to most undesirable consequences in the relationship between you.

Since last summer you already stopped seeing him, it is to be hoped that when you consider the above and decide to end the matter (at least until he actually becomes religious, conducts himself for some time in a religious way of life, and both he and you see that this way of life finds favor in his eyes), you will easily see that this is the right step for you to take, and for the good of both.

May G‑d, blessed be He, Who watches over every man and woman with individual Providence, truly guide you well.

With blessing,

On behalf of the Rebbe, shlita^[6],

Secretary

Publisher's notes

A match and a marriage are not a matter whose aim is education (שידוך וחתונה אין זה ענין שמטרתו - חינוך): see also below, letter 6778 (to a religious girl who asked whether she may marry a young man who is not religious).

Notes

1. A young man (אברך): Here: a young man.

2. Close to each other (זל"ז): זל"ז = זה לזה.

3. He wrote to you, etc. (כתב לה וכו'): The content of his letter is not spelled out here; from what follows, he proposed marriage, saying that only after the wedding would he learn about religion and become religious.

4. How stable and firm his religion would be (יציבות ותקיפות הדת): Religious observance taken on only in order to marry, "only for your sake", has no stability.

5. Restrictions (סיגים): Fences and limits.

6. On behalf of the Rebbe, shlita (בשם כ"ק אדמו"ר שליט"א): כ"ק אדמו"ר שליט"א = כבוד קדושת אדוננו מורנו ורבנו, שיחיה לאורך ימים טובים אמן. The letter was written and signed by the secretary on the Rebbe's behalf.

Summary

Answering a young woman who asks about a non-religious young man who promises to become observant only after they marry, the Rebbe's secretary explains that marriage is not a means of education, and that observance taken on only for her sake would be unstable and could later breed resentment. She is advised to end the matter, at least until he has actually lived a religious life for some time.