4851 —לפני גירושין – לא להחליט מראש, לא להחריף, ולא להשתמש בשמירת התורה כאמצעי לחץ

B"H, 18 Marcheshvan, 5717

Brooklyn.

Brachah v'Shalom!

In answer to your letter of 11 Marcheshvan, in which you write about how things developed in the way your match came about and the relations between you now, and that in the course of the argument between you it was decided to go to a higher beis din in order etc.^[1], and you conclude that you are on a front against him and against the whole family.

It is understood that it is difficult to express an opinion on the basis of the arguments of one side, for with regard to each and every person, even the most perfect, the rule is a general one: אדם קרוב אצל עצמו, "a person is a relative to himself" (Sanhedrin 9b)^[2]. Since you have decided to go to a higher beis din — which surely means before rabbis with authority and experience in ruling — there will be an opportunity to present the arguments of both sides and to hear the opinion of people who stand above the parties.

But what I hasten to remark regarding your letter is:

a) As to what you write, that you are on a front against him and against the family — one could say that the front is also against yourself; for family life is a question of life itself, and every hasty and incorrect step has consequences for both sides, and frequently it affects the side that took such a step even more than the other side. Of course I do not intend by this to express an opinion on the problem itself and the manner of its solution, as above, since I have heard arguments from one side only; but only to express my concern that you apparently are trying to sharpen the relations so that the clarification and solution come as soon as possible — and in such matters a speedy clarification is not always good and beneficial.

b) And this is perhaps even more essential: regarding what you write, that you are going to the beis din in order to divorce — that is to say, that you see only this way out as possible. As above, and surely you too agree with this, a person standing at the side can judge far more objectively than those who are within the matter itself; therefore it is not right to decide in advance that one is going to the beis din with a fixed aim, without asking the beis din's opinion on the matter itself.

c) What surprised me in the description of your actions and the conduct you have adopted: although you are religious, and also received a religious education, etc., and your outlook is religious, nevertheless you have adopted the opposite conduct, with the aim of thereby ending the relations between you, etc. Surely it is superfluous to explain that conduct in accordance with the instruction of our Torah, the Torah of life, is not something to bargain with or to use for purposes of pressure, etc.; rather, it is a value in itself and a fundamental matter in the relationship between a person and his Creator and Guide. Conducting oneself in accordance with the instruction of the Giver of the Torah draws the blessings of the Giver of the Torah upon the one who acts so; and these blessings also include sound judgment, understanding and a correct assessment of the situation one is in, and decisions that suit one's true happiness — as in the text of the prayer three times a day, where the request for a person's needs begins with the prayer חננו מאתך חכמה בינה ודעת, "Grant us from You wisdom, understanding and knowledge"^[3]. And from the positive you hear the negative^[4]: weakening the bond between a person and his Creator through contrary conduct interferes in all the above and deprives one of a matter that is essential and vital at all times — and especially at a time when one wishes to resolve complex and fundamental questions.

I send this letter of mine quickly, before answering letters received before yours, in the hope that these few lines — few in quantity relative to the importance of the matter — will arouse you to reflect once again in keeping with the three points above and to change your outlook, and above all your conduct in practice, in accordance with the instruction of our Torah, the Torah of life. It would be pleasant for me to receive from you confirmation of this hope of mine.

With blessing that Hashem, blessed be He, Who watches with individual Divine providence over each and every one, guide you on the good path before you, in true goodness,

On behalf of the Rebbe shlita

Secretary

Notes

[1] In order etc. (בכדי כו'): here the purpose of approaching the beis din is only hinted at; later in the letter (point b) it is stated that they intend to divorce.

[2] A person is a relative to himself (אדם קרוב אצל עצמו): the Gemara's rule (Sanhedrin 9b) that a person cannot testify about himself. Even the most perfect person is a party to his own affairs, so it is hard to judge on the arguments of one side alone.

[3] Grant us from You wisdom, understanding and knowledge (חננו מאתך חכמה בינה ודעת): from the blessing "Atah Chonen," the first of the requests of Shemoneh Esrei. Sound judgment is a blessing from Hashem, drawn down by conduct in accordance with the Torah.

[4] From the positive you hear the negative (מכלל הן אתה שומע לאו): a phrase of the Sages found in several places. Since conduct by the Torah brings sound judgment, contrary conduct weakens the bond with the Creator and harms one's judgment precisely when it is most needed.