9042 —בחירת מקום לימוד לבן וחשיבות חפץ הלב

B"H, 19 Iyar, 5726.

Brooklyn, NY.

Shalom u'Vrachah!

In response to your letter from Erev Shabbat Kodesh which reached me after some delay, and to its content which required an urgent reply: You write about the place where your son should continue his studies.

Certainly for someone like yourself it is unnecessary to emphasize that since there is a clear ruling in our Torah on this matter, there is no room for doubts. The instruction is explicit: "A person should always study in a place his heart desires," and our Sages greatly emphasized this teaching—so much so that it is ruled as practical halachah in Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah, laws of honoring parents at the end of Siman 240—that even if the father objects, and even if the objection is due to danger to life, nevertheless he must study specifically in the place his heart desires. See there.

It is also obvious that since this is the instruction of our Torah of life, it is certainly for the good not only of the student but also for his parents. It is also clear that since we are speaking about heartfelt desire, it is understood and seen in practice that it is not possible to decree upon the student—the son—that he should desire another place; a decree applies only to actual actions but not to heartfelt desire and feelings.

All of the above applies even if this question had arisen some time ago. But in our case, where the son has already been elsewhere for several months...and you see the situation at home etc., it is clear that for the benefit and health of both parents and son, he should travel as soon as possible to study in another city. According to the aforementioned ruling in Shulchan Aruch, he must go to the place his heart desires—especially since he has already traveled elsewhere before—and after all this his heart desires a specific place.

It goes without saying that for everyone's benefit it should all be done pleasantly and with closeness of hearts. In general peace and closeness are very great values—especially in a home like yours founded on Torah and mitzvot whose ways are pleasantness and all its paths are peace. In such matters more can be demanded from parents than from their son; after all, parents are older and have more life experience regarding home relationships etc.

Another important point: The son is at an age of maturity—meaning by nature his nerves (nervin) are more tense—and not everyone merits having their mind rule over their heart completely to calm their nerves etc.; generally as one grows older one's mind controls one's heart more. Of course I do not wish to frighten you G‑d forbid etc., but I must emphasize again that always—and especially in our times—one must be extremely careful regarding anything affecting the nerves of youth—sons and daughters—considering what unfortunately happens among youth regarding health generally and especially related to nerves; therefore speed in all these matters is praiseworthy.

I stress again that this is for everyone's good—that you and your wife encourage your son regarding his trip to study where his heart desires—and do so promptly as above; certainly for someone like yourself lengthy explanation here is unnecessary.

I read with proper attention what you wrote about purpose and settling in life and prospects for changing conduct etc., but as mentioned above this matter does not depend so much on intellectual debate but rather on our Sages' instruction regarding heartfelt desire. Additionally in our case—with nervous tension increasing relations etc.—this requires for your wife's good and your son's good that relations change quickly toward closeness up until his travel to study where his heart desires.

You conclude your letter stating you think a third party became involved; after asking forgiveness I do not know what was originally behind this—but after several conversations with your son and after speaking with you and your wife when you visited here—the current situation is as described above: i.e., there now rests upon it a full ruling and instruction from our Torah of life; at present even your son could not change his heartfelt desire even if he truly wished [By writing "at present," I mean at least one or two years].

I strongly hope that you and your wife will take to heart what was written above regarding our Sages' instruction on this matter—and will come to these conclusions accordingly.

Blessings for good news in all discussed above—with honor.

Summary

The Rebbe teaches that choosing a place of study according to one's heartfelt desire aligns with Torah law and benefits both child and parents. He urges sensitivity toward young people's emotions while encouraging peaceful family support during such decisions.