014 - הִלְכוֹת אִישׁוּת פֵּרֶק יד

Laws of Marriage, Chapter 14

1. The frequency of marital relations mentioned in the Torah depends on each man according to his strength and his occupation. How so? Healthy men who are delicate and pampered, who do not have work that weakens their strength, but rather eat, drink, and sit at home—their obligation is every night. Laborers—such as tailors, weavers, builders, and the like—if their work is in the city, their obligation is twice a week; if their work is in another city, their obligation is once a week. Donkey drivers, once a week; camel drivers, once every thirty days; sailors, once every six months. Torah scholars—their obligation is once a week, because Torah study weakens their strength; and the practice of Torah scholars is to have marital relations from one Shabbos night to the next.

2. A wife may object to her husband traveling for business except to a nearby place, so that he does not withhold her conjugal rights, and he may only go with her permission. Likewise, she may prevent him from changing from an occupation with a frequent obligation to one with a less frequent obligation, such as a donkey driver who wishes to become a camel driver, or a camel driver who wishes to become a sailor. However, Torah scholars may go to study Torah without their wives’ permission for two or three years; and likewise, if a delicate and pampered man becomes a Torah scholar, his wife cannot object.

3. A man may marry as many women as he wishes, even one hundred, whether at one time or one after another, and his wife cannot object—provided he is able to provide each one with food, clothing, and conjugal rights as is fitting for each. He may not force them to live together in one courtyard; rather, each one must have her own separate dwelling.

4. The frequency of conjugal rights is divided according to the number of wives. How so? If a laborer has two wives, each one receives her obligation once a week; if he has four wives, each one receives her obligation once every two weeks. Similarly, if a sailor has four wives, each one receives her obligation once every two years. Therefore, the Sages instructed that a man should not marry more than four wives, even if he has much wealth, so that each one will receive her obligation at least once a month.

5. If a man forbids his wife from telling others what he said to her or what she said to him in matters of jest and lightheartedness that a man speaks with his wife regarding marital relations—he must divorce her and give her the kesubah, for she cannot bring herself to say shameful things to others. Similarly, if he forbade her to turn over during relations so that she would not become pregnant, or forbade her to do foolish acts or things that are only nonsense—he must divorce her and give her the kesubah.

6. If a man forbids his wife from marital relations—even for one Shabbos, we wait for him; if it is for longer, he must divorce her and give her the kesubah, or annul his vow. Even if he is a sailor whose obligation is once every six months, since he made a vow, he has caused her distress and she has despaired. How does he forbid her? If he says to her, “Your marital relations are forbidden to me,” or he swears not to have relations—he has not made a valid vow; and if he swore, it is a vain oath, since he is obligated to her. But if he says, “The benefit of your marital relations is forbidden to me,” this is a vow and he is forbidden to have relations, for we do not allow a person to benefit from something that is forbidden to him.

7. It is forbidden for a man to withhold his wife’s conjugal rights; and if he withholds them in order to cause her distress, he transgresses a negative commandment of the Torah, as it is said: “Her food, her clothing, and her conjugal rights he shall not diminish” (Shemos 21:10). If he became ill or his strength was weakened and he is unable to have relations, he should wait three months until he recovers, for there is no greater withholding of conjugal rights than this. After that, he must either obtain her permission or divorce her and give her the kesubah.

Laws of Marriage, Chapter 14

8. A woman who withholds herself from her husband regarding marital relations is called a moredes (rebellious wife). She is questioned as to why she is rebelling. If she says, "I find him repulsive and I am unable to have relations with him willingly," he is compelled to divorce her immediately, for she is not in captivity to be forced to have relations with someone she dislikes. She leaves without receiving her kesubah at all, but she does take any remaining worn-out items that are still in existence, whether from property she brought into the marriage for which her husband accepted responsibility, or from property for which he did not accept responsibility. She does not take anything that belongs to the husband; even shoes on her feet or a headscarf that he bought for her—she removes them and returns them to him. Likewise, anything he gave her as a gift, she returns, for he did not give it to her on condition that she would take it and leave.

9. But if she rebels against her husband in order to cause him distress, and says, "I am causing him distress in this way because he did such-and-such to me," or "because he cursed me," or "because he quarreled with me," or similar reasons, Beis Din sends her a message and says to her: "Know that if you persist in your rebellion, even if your kesubah is one hundred maneh, you will forfeit it." After this, they announce about her in synagogues and study halls every day for four consecutive weeks, saying, "So-and-so is rebelling against her husband."

10. After the announcement, they send her a second message and say to her: "If you persist in your rebellion, you will forfeit your kesubah." If she continues her rebellion and does not retract, she is consulted again, and she loses her kesubah and will have no kesubah at all. She is not given a divorce until twelve months have passed, and she does not receive support for all twelve months. If she dies before the divorce, her husband inherits her.

11. This is the procedure done for her if she rebels in order to cause him distress—even if she is a niddah or ill and not fit for marital relations, even if her husband is a sailor whose conjugal period is every six months, and even if he has another wife.

12. Similarly, a betrothed woman whose time has come to marry and she rebels in order to cause him distress and does not marry—she is considered a moredes regarding marital relations. Likewise, a yavamah (widow awaiting levirate marriage) who does not wish to undergo yibbum in order to cause him distress—the same procedure is done for them.

13. This moredes—when she leaves after twelve months without a kesubah, she returns everything that belongs to the husband. However, property she brought in and any remaining worn-out items—if she seized them, they are not taken from her; and if the husband seized them, they are not taken from him. Likewise, anything lost from her property for which the husband accepted responsibility, he does not pay her anything. This is the law of the Talmud regarding a moredes.

14. The Geonim said that in Bavel they have other customs regarding a moredes, but these customs did not become widespread among most of Israel, and many great authorities disagree with them in most places. The law of the Talmud is the one that should be followed and judged by.

15. A man who rebels against his wife and says, "I will provide food and support, but I will not have relations with her because I hate her,"—they add to her kesubah the weight of thirty-six barleycorns of silver for each week, and he may remain without relations as long as she wishes to remain. Even though her kesubah continues to increase, he still transgresses a negative commandment, as it says, "He shall not diminish" (Shemos 21:10): if he hates her, he should send her away, but to afflict her is forbidden. And why does he not receive lashes for this prohibition? Because it does not involve an action.

16. If a man and his wife come before Beis Din—he says, "She refuses marital relations," and she says, "No, rather I am with him as is the way of the world," or if she claims and says that he refuses marital relations, and he says, "No, rather I am with her as is the way of the world"—first, a ban is pronounced on whoever is rebelling and does not admit it in Beis Din. Afterwards, if neither admits, they are told, "Seclude yourselves in the presence of witnesses." If they seclude themselves and still maintain their claims, the judges request from the one being accused and attempt to arrange a compromise according to the ability of the judge. However, it is not possible to have marital relations in the presence of others, for it is forbidden to have relations in front of any person.

17. If a wife becomes ill, he is obligated to heal her until she recovers. If he sees that the illness is prolonged and he will lose much money on her treatment, and he says to her, "Here is your kesubah; either heal yourself from your kesubah, or I will divorce you and give you your kesubah and go"—he is listened to. But it is not proper to do so, because of the way of the world.

18. If she is taken captive, he is obligated to redeem her. If he is a Kohen, and she has already become forbidden to him, he redeems her and returns her to her father's house; even if they are in another city, he must care for her until he returns her to her country, then he divorces her and gives her all her kesubah. If her husband is a Yisroel, for whom the captive woman is still permitted, he returns her to him as his wife as before; and if he wishes afterwards, he may divorce her and give her her kesubah.

19. A husband is not obligated to redeem his wife for more than her value, only for what she is worth, as with other captives. If her ransom is more than her kesubah and he says, "I will divorce her and this is her kesubah; let her go and redeem herself," he is not listened to. Rather, he is compelled to redeem her, even if her ransom is up to ten times her kesubah, and even if he has only enough for her ransom. When does this apply? The first time. But if he redeemed her and she was taken captive a second time, and he wishes to divorce her, he may divorce her and give her her kesubah, and she redeems herself.

20. If a man's wife is taken captive and he is overseas, Beis Din takes possession of his property, sells it with public announcement, and redeems her in the same manner as the husband would redeem her.

21. If a man imposed a vow on his wife that obligates him to divorce her and give her her kesubah, and she was taken captive after he imposed the vow, he is not obligated to redeem her, for from the time he imposed the vow, he became obligated to divorce her and give her her kesubah.

22. If a woman was forbidden to her husband by a prohibition of a negative commandment, and she was taken captive, he is not obligated to redeem her; rather, he gives her her kesubah and she redeems herself. But a captive woman is forbidden to a Kohen, and yet he redeems her—because she was not previously forbidden, and it is the captivity that caused her prohibition.

23. If his wife dies, he is obligated to bury her and to arrange for her eulogy and lamentations, as is the custom of the land. Even a poor man in Yisroel should not have less than two flutes and a wailing woman. If he is wealthy, everything is according to his honor; and if her honor is greater than his, she is buried according to her honor, for a woman rises with her husband and does not descend, even after death.

24. If he does not wish to bury his wife, and someone else stands up on his own and buries her, the cost is taken from the husband against his will and given to that person, so that she should not be left for the dogs. If he was in another country when his wife died, Beis Din takes possession of his property and sells it without public announcement, and buries her according to the husband's means, and according to his honor or her honor.