003 - הִלְכוֹת אִישׁוּת פֵּרֶק ג

Laws of Marriage, Chapter 3

1. How does a woman become betrothed? If he betroths her with money, it must be no less than a perutah of silver, or something worth a perutah. He says to her, "Behold, you are betrothed to me," or "Behold, you are engaged to me," or "Behold, you are my wife with this," and gives it to her in the presence of witnesses. The man is the one who must say words that indicate he has acquired her as a wife, and he must be the one to give her the money.

2. If she gave and said to him, "Behold, I am betrothed to you," or "Behold, I am your wife," or any other expression of acquisition—she is not betrothed. Similarly, if she gave to him and he spoke—she is not betrothed. If he gave and she spoke—this is a case of doubtful betrothal.

3. If he betroths her with a document, he writes on paper, or on pottery, or on a leaf, or on anything he wishes, "Behold, you are betrothed to me," or "Behold, you are engaged to me," or any similar wording, and gives it to her in the presence of witnesses.

4. He must write it for the sake of the woman being betrothed, as with a get. He may only write it with her knowledge. If he wrote it not for her sake, or for her sake but not with her knowledge—even if he gave it to her with her knowledge in the presence of witnesses—she is not betrothed.

5. If he betroths her through intercourse, he says to her, "Behold, you are betrothed to me," or "Behold, you are engaged to me," or any similar wording, or "Behold, you are my wife through this intercourse," and he secludes himself with her in the presence of witnesses and has intercourse with her. One who betroths through intercourse intends that the betrothal take effect at the completion of the act; when he completes the intercourse, she is betrothed. Whether he has intercourse with her in the usual manner or not in the usual manner, she is betrothed.

6. The words the man says when betrothing must indicate that he is acquiring a wife, not that he is giving himself over to her. How so? If he said to her, or wrote in the document he gave her, "I am your husband," "I am your betrothed," "I am your man," or anything similar—there is no betrothal at all. But if he said to her or wrote to her, "You are my wife," "You are my betrothed," "You are acquired to me," "You are mine," "You are in my domain," "You are obligated to me," "You are taken by me," "You are pledged to me," or anything similar—she is betrothed.

7. If he said to her or wrote to her, "You are designated for me," "You are intended for me," "You are my helper," "You are opposite me," "You are my rib," "You are my closed one," "You are under me," "You are bound to me," "You are held by me"—she is betrothed with doubt, provided that he first spoke with her about matters of betrothal. But if he did not first speak with her about betrothal, we do not consider these words.

8. A man may betroth a woman in any language that she understands, and the meaning of the words in that language must indicate that he has acquired her, as explained. If he was speaking with her about betrothal and she agreed, and he then stood and betrothed her without specifying or saying anything, but simply gave it into her hand or had intercourse—since they were engaged in the matter, that is sufficient and he does not need to specify. Similarly, the witnesses to the betrothal or divorce do not need to be told, "You are witnesses"; rather, once he betroths or divorces in their presence, she is betrothed or divorced.

9. If one says to a woman, "Be betrothed to half of me," she is betrothed. To what is this similar? To one who says to her, "You will be my wife, you and another," so that she has only half a husband. But if he said to her, "Half of you is betrothed to me," she is not betrothed, for one woman cannot belong to two men. Similarly, if one says, "Behold, you are betrothed to me and to this one," she is not betrothed.

Laws of Marriage, Chapter 3

10. If a man says to a woman, "Half of you is betrothed to me with a perutah, and half of you is betrothed to me with a perutah," or if he says to her, "Half of you is betrothed to me with half a perutah, and your other half with half a perutah," she is betrothed. If he says to her, "Half of you is betrothed to me with a perutah today, and half of you with a perutah tomorrow," or "Both your halves with a perutah," or "Your two daughters to me with a perutah," or "Your two daughters to my two sons with a perutah," or "Your daughter is betrothed to me and your cow is sold to me with a perutah," or "Your daughter and your land to me with a perutah"—in all these cases, she is betrothed with uncertainty.

11. A father may betroth his daughter without her knowledge as long as she is a minor. When she becomes a na'arah, the authority is in his hands, as it is stated: "I have given my daughter to this man" (Devarim 22:16). Her betrothal belongs to her father; likewise, he is entitled to her found objects, the work of her hands, and her kesubah. If she is divorced or widowed from the betrothal, he is entitled to everything until she becomes an adult. Therefore, the father receives the betrothal of his daughter from the day she is born until she becomes an adult; even if she is deaf or mentally incompetent, and her father betroths her, she is a fully married woman. If she is three years and one day old, she can be betrothed through intercourse with her father's consent; less than this, if her father betroths her through intercourse, she is not betrothed.

12. Once the daughter becomes an adult, her father no longer has authority over her; she is like all other women, who are only betrothed with their own consent. Similarly, if her father married her off and she was widowed or divorced during his lifetime, she is in her own authority, even if she is still a minor: once she has been married, her father no longer has authority over her.

13. If she was betrothed before becoming an adult, without her father's knowledge, she is not betrothed, even if her father later consents after the betrothal; and even if she was widowed or divorced from that betrothal, she is not forbidden to a Kohen. Both she and her father can object: whether she was betrothed in his presence or not in his presence, she is not betrothed.

14. If the daughter is of uncertain adult status—whether her father betrothed her without her knowledge, or she betrothed herself without her father's knowledge—she is betrothed with uncertainty; therefore, she requires a get out of doubt. A man may appoint an agent to betroth a woman for him, whether a specific woman or any other woman; likewise, an adult woman may appoint an agent to receive her betrothal, whether from a specific man or from any other man. Similarly, a father may appoint an agent to receive the betrothal of his daughter while she is under his authority; and a man may say to his minor daughter, "Go and receive your betrothal."

15. Anyone who appoints an agent to receive betrothal must do so in the presence of two witnesses. However, if a man appoints an agent to betroth a woman for him, he does not need to do so in the presence of witnesses, for there is no need for witnesses in the agency of the man except to verify the matter. Therefore, if the agent and the sender both acknowledge it, they do not require witnesses, just as with an agent for a get, or an agent authorized to separate terumah and similar cases—for in all these, a person's agent is like himself, and witnesses are not required.

16. The agent becomes a witness; therefore, if a man appoints two agents to betroth a woman for him, and they go and betroth her, they themselves are his agents and also the witnesses to the betrothal, and it is not necessary to betroth her in the presence of two other people.

17. All are fit to be agents except for a deaf-mute, a mentally incompetent person, and a minor, since they lack legal capacity; and a non-Jew, since he is not part of the covenant, as it is stated: "So you too shall offer" (Bamidbar 18:28), to include the agent—just as you are of the covenant, so too your agent must be of the covenant, to exclude a non-Jew. However, a slave—even though he may be an agent for monetary matters—is disqualified from being an agent for betrothal and divorce, since he is not included in the laws of divorce and betrothal.

Laws of Marriage, Chapter 3

18. If a man’s agent performs the betrothal, he says to her, “Behold, you are betrothed to so-and-so with this money,” or, “with this document.” And if it is the woman’s agent who receives the betrothal, he says to him, “Behold, so-and-so who sent you is betrothed to me.” And he replies, “I have betrothed her to you,” or, “I have consecrated her to you,” or, “I have given her to you as a wife,” and anything similar. Likewise, one who betroths through the father says to him, “Behold, your daughter so-and-so is betrothed to me,” and he replies, “I have betrothed her to you.” And if the father or the agent says, “Yes,” that is sufficient. And if they were engaged in the matter, and he gave to the father or to the agent, and did not specify or say anything, that is sufficient. And if he betroths with a document, he writes it only with the knowledge of the father or the agent. And so, in all matters of betrothal, the law of the agent with the agent, or with the father, is the same as the law of the man with the woman.

19. It is a mitzvah for a man to betroth his wife himself, rather than through an agent. Likewise, it is a mitzvah for the woman to be betrothed herself, rather than through an agent. And even though the father has the authority to betroth his daughter when she is a minor or a young woman to whomever he wishes, it is not proper to do so. Rather, it is a mitzvah of the Sages that a man should not betroth his daughter when she is a minor, until she grows up and says, “I want so-and-so.” Likewise, a man should not betroth a minor. And he should not betroth a woman until he sees her, and she is pleasing in his eyes, lest she not find favor in his eyes, and he will divorce her, or live with her while hating her.

20. One who betroths through intercourse—this is a betrothal according to the Torah. Likewise, with a document, she is betrothed by it according to the Torah; just as a man completes and divorces, as it says, “and he writes her a bill of divorce,” so too he completes and brings her in. And so with money, it is from the Torah; and its explanation is from the words of the Scribes, as it says, “When a man takes a woman,” and the Sages said, “Let the taking be with money,” as it says, “I have given the money of the field, take it from me.”

21. Even though this is the essence of the matter, all of Israel have the custom to betroth with money or something of monetary value. And likewise, if he wishes to betroth with a document, he may betroth. But one should not betroth through intercourse initially; and one who betroths through intercourse is given lashes of rebelliousness, so that Israel should not be lax in this matter, even though his betrothal is a complete betrothal.

22. Likewise, one who betroths without prior arrangement, or one who betroths in the marketplace—even though his betrothal is a complete betrothal, he is given lashes of rebelliousness, so that this should not become a habit leading to promiscuity, and it should not resemble the harlotry that existed before the giving of the Torah.

23. Anyone who betroths a woman—whether by himself or through an agent—must recite a blessing before the betrothal, either he or his agent, and afterwards perform the betrothal, just as one recites a blessing before all mitzvos. And if he betrothed and did not recite the blessing, he should not recite it after the betrothal, for this would be a blessing in vain: what has been done, has already been done.

24. How does he bless? “Blessed are You, Hashem, our G‑d, King of the universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments, and separated us from those forbidden to us, and forbade to us those who are betrothed, and permitted to us those who are married through chuppah and betrothal; blessed are You, Hashem, Who sanctifies Israel.” This is the blessing of betrothal. And the custom is to recite this blessing over a cup of wine or liquor; if there is wine, he blesses over the wine first, then recites the blessing of betrothal, and then performs the betrothal. And if there is neither wine nor liquor, he recites it by itself.