7610 —השפעת ההורים, בחירת חינוך, וצמיחה דתית בילדים

B"H, 27 Adar, 5721.

Brooklyn.

Shalom u'Vrachah!

After the longest pause, your letter from the 10th of Adar was received, and as you requested, I am sending this reply without waiting for its turn. In it you write about problems with your eldest son, and how to influence him, etc. It is understood that there are no fixed rules in such a situation since each case is different—people's opinions and natures are not the same. It also depends on how far things have gone [in the dialogue between the two individuals]. However, what is common to all situations is that in most cases, acting pleasantly achieves more than an opposite approach.

Additionally, combining two matters together [marriage and education for a religious life—meaning trying to change the worldview of the other party together with marrying them] is extremely difficult. At any rate—it is essential that she conduct herself with religious observance in daily life for some time before marriage so she will at least know the burden involved and the difficulties due to not being accustomed to this previously. In the language of our Sages: a person does not acquire or obligate himself in something whose essence and nature he does not know.

At an auspicious time, all those you write about will be mentioned at the holy resting place of my father-in-law, the Rebbe zatzal (may his merit protect us), according to the content of your letter. May you have good news regarding each one. I must point out [even though it is unpleasant, especially since I already hinted about this in my previous letter to your husband], that such phenomena—and others like those mentioned in your letter—are very likely a result of attending educational institutions not up to your or your husband's expectations.

Unfortunately—it is human nature and very common error—that when parents expect a certain level of worldview and religious conduct from their children, they educate them in such a way (almost strictly) so they do not reach a higher level—and certainly not higher than their parents' own status. They do not consider at all that if an adult maintains a certain religious standing—it is only because during youth he stood at a higher level; then even though life's challenges (and environment) lowered his youthful level, he at least remains at his adult standing. From this it follows: one who stands at a lower level in youth will naturally descend further after some years and end up below expectations.

The conclusion: when they (she and her husband) wanted their children's actual Yiras Shamayim to match their own level, their children should have been educated in an institution demanding from its students the same degree of Yiras Shamayim as Tomchei Temimim required from their father. But when children are educated in institutions like those mentioned in your letter—where reportedly the demanded Yiras Shamayim is several degrees lower than what Tomchei Temimim required—it is no wonder they descend below this level and such events occur as you describe.

It goes without saying I do not mean this as rebuke but regarding their other children who are still under their care; it is obvious they should learn and be educated within an environment demanding complete Yiras Shamayim from its students. Then one can expect all Torah and mitzvah matters from them since parents gave every opportunity for this and they were never exposed to an indifferent environment.

In recent years in Eretz HaKodesh many parents have changed their approach and act accordingly—enrolling sons and daughters only in yeshivos where only sacred studies are taught or Beis Yaakov/Beis Rivkah etc.—and this trend continues to spread over time.

If what was said above applies to everyone—it certainly applies to those (her and her husband) who see firsthand the results of education in state schools—even those considered somewhat better. There is no need to elaborate further on this painful matter which does not benefit Jews.

It is clear that everything above also applies to her husband; my strong hope is they will not take offense at my repeating these points again—the reason being I feel obligated not to remain silent since you wrote me about your situation.

Summary

The Rebbe teaches that parents must choose educational environments with high standards of Yiras Shamayim if they wish their children’s religious observance to match or exceed their own. Consistent personal example and careful school choice are key factors shaping children's spiritual growth.